#27 Looking Back
I originally wrote this in June 2019, but never published it. Reading through it all these years later, I find much of what I wrote is still applicable to me today.
If 18 months ago, someone would’ve told me where I would be now, I’m not sure how I would've responded.
The first thing that comes to mind is laughter. I mean, it is said that laughter is the best medicine, and being a college graduate with no clear plan definitely made me feel sick at times.
The second response might have been shock.
“Psssst, Dajuan…….I have something to tell you. Listen carefully, because it is very important for you to know this. In 18 months, not only will you be working for a Fortune 50 company, but you will also be going to grad school as a seminary student. You’ve already been thinking about going, but you have no idea how to get there. Don’t worry, the opportunity will show itself in due time. Also, internally, it will be one of the most hectic times of your life. You will learn things about yourself that you never knew, and be challenged in ways you never wanted. You’ll make the big mistake of asking God to give you patience and to grow you as a person. Your mind will race at unimaginable speeds until……..it just stops to a screeching halt. This absence of clarity will be terrifying, but you will have to fight it. There’s no more time for running away from what makes you uncomfortable.
Your spirit will cry and laugh seemingly at the same time on more than one occasion. The absurdity of circumstances will have you confused for reasons that you won’t even understand yourself, and searching for the answer will bring its own problems. Your heart will be broken and mended consistently; bringing what you hide out in front of you and coming to terms with it. There will be some days where the only thing you’ll wish for is the clock to move forward by 12 hrs, catapulting you past what the day holds in store. The mirror will switch between friend and foe regularly, and some days you won’t know which one is staring back at you.
But, even with all this going on, there’s one thing you can’t forget: God hasn’t gone anywhere. As a good parent, He’s training and shaping you for what He has for you. Even in the moments where He feels distant, reach your hand to the sky and look at the space that surrounds you. That surrounding space is just a fraction of His presence. He’s there in the times when you think He isn’t, surrounding you with his love and grace on a daily basis.”
The third response would’ve been doubt. “How……..just…….how? You see where I am right? No job or vision for the future. All I’ve got is a pocket full of sunshine, and my days seem to be getting darker and darker. Look God, I’m not saying it can’t happen, I just don’t see how it will happen.”
The least likely, but optimistic response, would’ve been pure delight. “Yes Lord, I accept everything that’s coming with an open mind and heart………” I won’t even entertain this notion for too long because, while it is the epitome of total faith, trust, and obedience, I haven’t reached that point in my faith where I will readily accept whatever God has for me with total submission and deliverance from my own desires. (He's still working on me)
Not that it’s ever a real fight with God involved, but, until His work is completed in me, I will try to be completely obedient to His will.
So, here I am, 18 months later. It has been a roller coaster, but a necessary time nonetheless. God is good, and his plan is better than what I could come up with. At least, that’s what I would like to believe. I may not always like his processes, but His ordering of my steps guarantees that the outcome will be for my good…. Right? Well, we’ll have to wait and see.
